"hey man let's have a chat
now and maybe let's make
it about you. we've talked
sometimes about important
stuff but it never cascades
into things that lie deep
on the sea bed. didn't you
say that you'd never had a
heart-to-heart with anyone?
you've been watching bottle
rockets sizzle over the harbor
and heard the crowd on the other
side. it's young adult thursday
and the dance is hoppin'
but you'd rather manipulate
that into something else,
real but not real. we've gotta
get you submarines and
underwater cameras 'cause
I've seen you at the dance
sometimes and you were
a sight, heels clickin' and
head bobbin'. for those
glorious few minutes there
was nothin' but
crystal clear water."

I don't have the diction for this sort of thing; this restlessness. Greatness, is seems, is for those who strive and reach. I am in a wall, or actually behind it. Explaining it is like asthma, I suppose, but the lack of physicality in it all doesn't quite support that. A see-saw of the mind. This is not how I want to write, but it seems that these are the words that I am typing, much to my displeasure. I keep having these bubbling memories lately, all about this. Embarrassments that are still quite embarrassing. I know that I should realize that I will be a whole lot better of once my mind finally wraps around the fact people are rarely thinking about me. I write, think about, shout and demand it; the system remains unmoved though. I am what I am keeps coming to mind, and that is reassuringly pathetic. Sag days, all of it.

Start

I am really glad that I have decided to start this. I have wanted to do so for a really long time, but I've have been really unenthusiastic about it recently and I really want to change the way I feel about what I am doing right now. If you don't know, it's not much. This will not be like the livejournal I had a while ago. This is an attempt to better convey my ideas, tastes, and emotions in one place, so I'm thinking critical pieces, short fiction (if I ever finish them), and reviews of films, music, television, books (probably just stuff that i like for now). Most of the stuff that I put into this blog should be like that. It may take some more time to actually get stuff that i am working on in here but hopefully I'll put stuff up soon.

A more, I guess, emotive way of saying this is that I have a great hunger to produce. I have always had trouble expressing myself on an intimate level. In fact, I have never had a "heart-to-heart" with anyone in my life. Maybe I never will. It might be irrelevant but it is (all puns are in for open discussions for being "intended") wholeheartedly depressing. I feel I might be able to produce something more worthwhile in writing, especially if I keep writing all the time. In time, I really hope it is so, and maybe people will see something else. Better or worse. I will try.